Before we get started let me remind you, I am one of the queens of sarcasm. If I were to be comedian it would be the satire variety. The kind most people don’t like because all that crap she says it’s just a little too truthful, and you’re not sure if she’s really joking or not because she suffers from RBF (resting bitch face). I also exaggerate a little to keep things interesting. Keep that in mind as you read today’s short story . . .

As many of you know, my husband and I bought a house in August of 2014. 5 short months later we unexpectedly moved to Florida for his job. In those 5 months of home ownership, we spent a lot of time and money making the house just the way we wanted it to look. We loved that house, and still do. We’d move it to Florida if we could afford it (this is one of those things you’ll come back to later and be like is she for real – no I’m not for real). But our renovations were slow going because of time and budget. We also did what we wanted not thinking about resale because we’d be there for quite some time in our minds. . .buuuuuuuut here we are a year after moving to Florida finally selling that damn house. Guys, I’m never buying a house again because I never want to sell a house again.

If you’ve sold or purchased a house recently you know about this lovely website that sets up showings quickly and efficiently so we as home owners don’t have to do a thing. AND, lucky us, people get to provide us with feedback. Here’s some truly amazing heartfelt things we’ve heard about our home . . .

• It’s priced about $10,000 too high because it’ll need paint throughout. :: Are you gonna have Van Gogh paint the house?
• There’s too much caulk in that backsplash. It’s literally covering the wall. :: Yes, it’s there to hold the tile onto the wall.
• This floor tile looks like a child did it. :: Actually the home owners previous to us, paid a professional child to do it. good eye!

and my personal favorite . . .

• The fridge is too big for the area and as a realtor I’d recommend moving it the garage. ::  . . . . so walking to the unheated garage for food is better than a big fridge?

Before you go, I know some of these may have a little validity to them. I know I love this house more than any else ever will until they move in and make it their own. But it doesn’t change the fact that some of it is ridiculous and it’s all hard to hear . . . especially from 1100 miles away since that’s too far for my hand to reach . . . (to be clear my hand would be used to slap them).